To the subjects of the Queen Elizabeth Battenberg-Saxe-Coburg and Gotha, in light of your continuing failure to choose whether or not to creep away from the EU, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today. The Dogger Bank shall be rebuilt in order to end your island status and continentalise Britain again.
The European Union resumes its duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Tottenham, which she does not fancy.
Your new President (M. Jean-Claude Juncker, for the 87.9% of you who have, until now, been unaware there’s a world across the channel) will appoint a Commissioner for Britain. Houses of Commons and Lords are disbanded. A questionnaire circulated next year will determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid your transition to an outermost region of the EU, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. Look up “revocation” in the Oxford English Dictionary. Discard said dictionary thereafter and do likewise with your spelling. We mandate that English orthography shall henceforth obey “rules”.
2. You should learn to distinguish German and Russian, Spanish and Italian, Danish and Swedish. It really isn’t that hard. European languages are not limited to Nazi accents and pseudo-French. You must learn that there are no such people as Bayrischer in Germany. The name of the jerks is “Bayern”. If you persist in calling them Bayrische, all British ethnicities will become “-ians” e.g. Englians, Londonians, Cornians.
3. You will not be permitted to butcher foreign vocabulary anymore beyond reasonable accentuation. In particular, every noble whose name’s syllable count cannot be guessed by the majority of a random, fair jury, will be sent to the guillotine.
4. You should stop playing cricket. It is not a very good game if explaining the basic rules takes longer than a world championship.
You should stop substituting rowing skills for academic performance.
5. All pigs, domesticated or feral, will be handed over to Spain. All former or current prime ministers of the UK are forbidden to enter that country.
6. You will no longer be allowed to own or consume spirits, or anything containing more alcohol than apple juice. Because you are infamous for your attitudes when it comes to drinking, you need a permit to purchase apple juice.
7. The Queen’s birthday is no longer a public holiday. June 23rd will be a new national holiday. It will be called “Indecisive Day.”
8. All British foodstuff is hereby banned. It is crap and it is for your own good. When we show you Spanish food, you will understand what we mean.
9. All speed limits will be revoked, and you will start driving on the right. Enhanced motorways and correct driving will help us to remove the less adaptable elements from your society and gene pool.
10. Learn to make real pudding. Those things you call pudding are not real puddings. Black pudding, by the sound of it, should be made of chocolate and not of blood. Real puddings are sweet and don’t contain anything that ever had a soul.
11. “Continental breakfast” shall be relabelled, throughout the union, as “breakfast”. Continental tyres will be merged with Michelin.
12. Learn to resolve legal issues without putting on silly wigs. Generally cut a bit back on the drag. Constant dressing up shows you’re not adult enough to be an island. If you’re not adult enough to sort things out without turning everything into a masquerade, you’re not grown up enough to enter a pub.
13. Please tell us where to find Hogwarts. It’s been driving us crazy.
14. In order to introduce some continental culture, the Queen will be deposed. She can rule Canada or Australia, whichever she prefers. The heir to the throne of Hannover will be with you shortly to ensure the correct continuation of the line to the throne (backdated to 1837).
Thank you for your co-operation. Please send Mr. John Cleese, Bath, Somersetshire, as your ambassador to Brussels, as we like him a lot.